Sorry for all the unhappy posts ! I promise there will be a cheerful one soon, I've already compiled quite the list in my mind and when my laptop is in working condition again I'll blog about it ! :)
But please remember, I blog for no one else, these are just collection of my thoughts. Having said that, I'm still thinking of people.
I can't even talk to you anymore. You've been there for me since I can remember, but now you've got it tough and I'm in the wrong.
There's so much I want to tell you about me, you have no idea. I'm no fool, I know what's going on with you and there's no way I'll add to your platter of troubles.
You say you can't trust me but then you go and do the same thing he did to you. Zero explanation. I hardly think this is fair, if not hypocritical of you.
We talk through the night. I want to give you those happy moments when you forget about everything and just act your fifteen year old self, if only over a phone.
You say it hurts, and yet you have no clue how I feel, how selfish of me !
I'm scared of losing you. The instabilities cause confusion and spontaneous actions and I doubt you'd listen to me if something were to happen.(I hate myself for even thinking that)
But my oh my do I wish that we could just run away from this stupid life, these stupid problems, these stupid people and just be how we were once upon a time !
You've filled that lonely gap I have, with no-one close to talk to, no siblings...nothing.
I miss you, I really do. Just please give me the chance to at least see you.
i love you my dear friend.
au revoir. xo
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Too much is expected.
I am single-handedly expected to fix at least four peoples life problems- not to mention psychological..whilst building a life for myself, getting nothing less than a ten on ALL subjects and keeping my friends and amazing boyfriend.
I don't know, I may be out of line here, but isn't this just a little too much for one person?
au revoir. xo
I don't know, I may be out of line here, but isn't this just a little too much for one person?
au revoir. xo
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Depression ahoy !
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE A FEW DAYS AGO!
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T LIFE BE PERFECT FOR ONCE?
This is bullshit, I quit.
I'll find a way to escape, to find happiness. I know where it is, I just don't know how to get there.
au revoir. xo
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T LIFE BE PERFECT FOR ONCE?
This is bullshit, I quit.
I'll find a way to escape, to find happiness. I know where it is, I just don't know how to get there.
au revoir. xo
Friday, 15 July 2011
life's great, isn't it..?
I have this never-ending loop.
I always feel like shit, 90% of the time.
Most of the time nothing is wrong, life's great! Okay, that's pushing it but it's alright..
So why do I feel like this? Am I just finding problems where there are none and creating hazards? You say I should tell anyone. Okay, now you must be the crazy one! What would I say? Maybe I should go to one of those anonymous groups... 'Hi, there's nothing wrong but I like to cause problems where there are none.' in step-by-step programs one of the first few steps is acceptance but now what?
It's not like I enjoy this, I don't. But I just want to know why I think the way I do!
I know what you're thinking, drama queen!
I complain so much its not even funny... Yeah, life can be shit.. But it happens to everyone. I've learnt that personally it's not fair to tell everyone else about my problems when they have plenty of their own. Problems. I seem to mention them an awful lot ! Why can't I just be a normal child? Sometimes, I feel like just yelling into my pillow.
I figure, hey! Maybe if I isolate myself for a bit and watch some movies or write a story or just listen to music I'll be all good later ! No. Then I'm left alone to my thoughts, madness. Half the things I think of scare me. They're irrational and horrible sometimes but yet I think of them. Who knows, maybe this is the blog of a loony? I wouldn't be so surprised, either should you. Arrgghh! Again with the attention seeking.
Okay I'm going to go a little off topic before I trap myself in this black hole that I am slowly forming.. Nowadays, besides rare little gatherings and what-not the only time I feel truly happy is when I'm with him. Whatever we are doing, it's great.. Even just simply gaming.. And losing..
Every time I look at him its like I'm seeing him for the first time, cheesy I know. But that's just the way he makes me feel, the way he's made me feel for seven cheerful months now. Yes, I do get moody at him, A LOT but somehow he doesn't mind it too much, or he does and it kind of washes over soon after because he's just that kind of forgiving person.. Anyway, the point I was trying to make here was that if I was to pin-point the happiest I currently am in my life is when I'm sleeping with him. No, not in any kind of sexual way...just sleeping. Two people together, just lying in his arms. He actually doesn't know how much this means to me but one day I think I'll just stay there. Yes yes I realize I can't actually do that because of my 'caring' parents. What. A. Joke.
It's the safest place I know, his arms. Nothing else matters in those moments, it's wonderful.
And then there's the times he calls me that one little word, nine letters long. Beautiful. Weak at the knees, my heart melts a little.
It's good to know that doing such little things can change a persons life, maybe one day he'll see just how much power his words have on me, even nothing in particular makes me happy. :)
I'm not sure how to finish this little post off so yeah.. As naïve as I sound, I love him. And if someone tells me I don't know what that is, good on them. That's their opinion and I really cannot see anything ever being so pure.
Maybe next time I'll expand upon all of this...
au revoir. xo
I always feel like shit, 90% of the time.
Most of the time nothing is wrong, life's great! Okay, that's pushing it but it's alright..
So why do I feel like this? Am I just finding problems where there are none and creating hazards? You say I should tell anyone. Okay, now you must be the crazy one! What would I say? Maybe I should go to one of those anonymous groups... 'Hi, there's nothing wrong but I like to cause problems where there are none.' in step-by-step programs one of the first few steps is acceptance but now what?
It's not like I enjoy this, I don't. But I just want to know why I think the way I do!
I know what you're thinking, drama queen!
I complain so much its not even funny... Yeah, life can be shit.. But it happens to everyone. I've learnt that personally it's not fair to tell everyone else about my problems when they have plenty of their own. Problems. I seem to mention them an awful lot ! Why can't I just be a normal child? Sometimes, I feel like just yelling into my pillow.
I figure, hey! Maybe if I isolate myself for a bit and watch some movies or write a story or just listen to music I'll be all good later ! No. Then I'm left alone to my thoughts, madness. Half the things I think of scare me. They're irrational and horrible sometimes but yet I think of them. Who knows, maybe this is the blog of a loony? I wouldn't be so surprised, either should you. Arrgghh! Again with the attention seeking.
Okay I'm going to go a little off topic before I trap myself in this black hole that I am slowly forming.. Nowadays, besides rare little gatherings and what-not the only time I feel truly happy is when I'm with him. Whatever we are doing, it's great.. Even just simply gaming.. And losing..
Every time I look at him its like I'm seeing him for the first time, cheesy I know. But that's just the way he makes me feel, the way he's made me feel for seven cheerful months now. Yes, I do get moody at him, A LOT but somehow he doesn't mind it too much, or he does and it kind of washes over soon after because he's just that kind of forgiving person.. Anyway, the point I was trying to make here was that if I was to pin-point the happiest I currently am in my life is when I'm sleeping with him. No, not in any kind of sexual way...just sleeping. Two people together, just lying in his arms. He actually doesn't know how much this means to me but one day I think I'll just stay there. Yes yes I realize I can't actually do that because of my 'caring' parents. What. A. Joke.
It's the safest place I know, his arms. Nothing else matters in those moments, it's wonderful.
And then there's the times he calls me that one little word, nine letters long. Beautiful. Weak at the knees, my heart melts a little.
It's good to know that doing such little things can change a persons life, maybe one day he'll see just how much power his words have on me, even nothing in particular makes me happy. :)
I'm not sure how to finish this little post off so yeah.. As naïve as I sound, I love him. And if someone tells me I don't know what that is, good on them. That's their opinion and I really cannot see anything ever being so pure.
Maybe next time I'll expand upon all of this...
au revoir. xo
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Miscellaneous chatter
Imagine if it was actually that simple. If decisions could be made by an external factor. Imagine if you could write your choices down on paper and watch them burn in an open fire, choosing the remaining one.
By now you have probably guessed that I am not your average blogger. I do not talk about one topic, I spread my focus out into a large array. I only wish I could post all my real problems on here, not just the superficial ones, however I’m still scared. Scared about who might read them, about what they’ll think. Or worse, that they’ll care too much that I can’t simply shut them down like all the others.
Problems, what am I talking about? Everyone has them. Only today I found myself thinking that there could not possibly be one person without any monumental problems, whether it’s family, friends, guys, or a combination of those. This led me to the conclusion that all people go through a downfall in one stage of their lives or another. Even if it’s not a mental breakdown or a case of depression something is bound to happen sooner or later, it’s inevitable.
I acknowledge that this is quite the boring blog tonight, but many people have asked me to blog. Which leads me to my next point, I write for other people. Soon I’ll blog something juicy, except only a few selected individuals will be able to see this as I want to remain honest without judgement. However, that will probably be in a few posts.
Stay tuned for exciting stuff soon, better yet; create something for me to write about !
The world is full of amazing things. Today I found myself developing a whole poem which sounded moderately good, all while walking home in irritating precipitation!
It went something like this:
“Imagine if everyone was the same,
The same houses, the same gardens.
Even the tulips would be two-by-two
If only everyone was identical, like robots.
All programmed to do the same things
To have the same interests and qualities.
No love, no hate and no uniqueness…”
Okay, I’ll admit the original was ten times better but I’ve lost motivation for this ‘poem’ so to speak so it’s not very good. Honestly, I lose motivation for a lot of things very quickly! There was a story I once wrote.. My, it was only last week! It was quite good (modesty is not my strong point) however it finished abruptly; or rather it didn’t finish at all. Unlike previous cheery stories I’m not sure if the ending of this one will be quite so happy…
In the end I do not know why I wrote this tonight. It’s merely a collection of spontaneous thoughts. No connection, no link with one another. Just mindless words thrown onto a page. Even brainwashing would be better than this; at least that would have some kind of result. This just leaves the reader confused and angered at the five or so minutes of their lives they just wasted with this. I’m sorry.
au revoir. xo
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