Who am I now?

I thought I'd start writing again, I've been meaning to for a while now.
Reading over these posts is interesting to say the least.
I don't recognize these as my own thoughts however know I wrote them.

The ones I've read so far are normal and happy. Even though most of them are pretty boring, it's interesting to read all the resolutions.

I have been wanting to write for so long now, yet there seemed to be a barrier between my thoughts an the page. I even have a journal ready to go... but it didn't seem right.

Because sometimes my thoughts are faster, messier than my handwriting, so it only seemed appropriate to type.

I haven’t written here in a while.. I’m nervous/scared to go overseas. I feel like it’s a more erratic, spur-of-the-moment scenarios and fear it may end badly accidentally... like lost luggage or worse.

I miss you so much, it hurts SO much.
Please let this work out, please.

The funny thing is, no matter how upset I get and no matter just justified I am, eventually seretonin takes over and I can't stay mad. Which is problematic when it means I can be treated like shit over and over again.

au revoir. xo

New beginnings

Hope this job makes me as excited as Emporium did, exciting things ahead :))

After this summer jampacked with parties and drugs and gigs and friends and money and freedom I am feeling like a more positive person. I don’t even have to try as much not to get upset over little things like for example losing sleep and going to work early or fighting with people. If I am wrong, I apologise, if I am not I do not dwell for too long. In turn, this means that when I am sad I get quite emotional and sensitive for a bit but I feel better, happier with myself knowing I can pick flowers and drink tea and be productive.

That’s another thing that has recently changed. I now find myself cleaning my room more often than not and putting my dishes away and not leaving rubbish everywhere.

Small changes yet I feel somewhat different. Generally I resist change and may perhaps fear who I will become but in the mean time it's important to enjoy life and not think about these things which are so obviously not in my control. Of course there are still a few things I am wanting to be that I cannot at the moment for the simple fact that I cannot buy wardrobes of new clothes or have a certain body by ~wishing~ but I am sure I will deal with that later. For now, I am content.

I do worry about not pleasing others however, if I don't feel like doing something, generally I cannot force myself to. However this is frustrating for others and as silly as it sounds, I feel I do not have control over it. I feel like I let them down though and this makes me sad because I'm sure if it were someone else they were in this situation with rather than me, they would never be let down and this is just making me feel like less of a person.

This especially hurts when I love them but don't feel I'm enough.

au revoir. xo it's been a while

Changing tide

People around me are either moving out or wanting to. On one hand I'd love nothing more than to live with my lover and/or best friend and decorate the way I want, cook meals I like and be able to do anything I like in the comfort of my own home. On the other hand I want to remain naïve for a little longer, spend all my money on petty, yet fulfilling things like clothes, alcohol and drugs. I want to travel the world and explore its crevices with my lover, throw money left, right and centre without being financially burdened. Why would I choose to start paying for bills and groceries and necessities now and slowly struggle to save some money to go away (all the while studying) when I can experience life with my theoretical umbilical cord still connected then cut it when I'm ready?

A very nice prospect yes, but not quite a simple one.