After this summer jampacked with parties and drugs and gigs and friends and money and freedom I am feeling like a more positive person. I don’t even have to try as much not to get upset over little things like for example losing sleep and going to work early or fighting with people. If I am wrong, I apologise, if I am not I do not dwell for too long. In turn, this means that when I am sad I get quite emotional and sensitive for a bit but I feel better, happier with myself knowing I can pick flowers and drink tea and be productive.

That’s another thing that has recently changed. I now find myself cleaning my room more often than not and putting my dishes away and not leaving rubbish everywhere.

Small changes yet I feel somewhat different. Generally I resist change and may perhaps fear who I will become but in the mean time it's important to enjoy life and not think about these things which are so obviously not in my control. Of course there are still a few things I am wanting to be that I cannot at the moment for the simple fact that I cannot buy wardrobes of new clothes or have a certain body by ~wishing~ but I am sure I will deal with that later. For now, I am content.

I do worry about not pleasing others however, if I don't feel like doing something, generally I cannot force myself to. However this is frustrating for others and as silly as it sounds, I feel I do not have control over it. I feel like I let them down though and this makes me sad because I'm sure if it were someone else they were in this situation with rather than me, they would never be let down and this is just making me feel like less of a person.

This especially hurts when I love them but don't feel I'm enough.

au revoir. xo it's been a while