Thankyou friends.

Thanks for filling me in on what's going on in school for the past two weeks.
Thanks for telling me about important dates.
Thanks for the homework.
And everything else.
But mostly, thanks for letting me know that camp forms are due tomorrow, or getting them for me.
I found out by chance but it's nice to see that you'd tell me these things.

Now I'm all kuwdhfiuwhdf but whatever, just going to sit here and do my methods and drink some tea or what-not.
And see you all next week, yay.

au revoir.

Rice bubleeeeees !

I'm listening to music for the first time in over a week. Omg omg omg ftrdrtuiiygutdryygujguf it's amazing.

I also has myself rice bubbles ~O.O~ <-- made that up but I'm suuupeeeer excited !! :) :)
(secretly, I was craving them last night so I sent mum to get them even though I know I won't finish the box)

I miss you Konrad.

au revior. xo

edit: I AM SO CHEERY !! and finally heard maroon 5'd new song omg omg omg what's going on? :)

edit: It's 5:10am and I am not overly sleepy. The past three hours were spent looking at gossip girl clips on youtube <-- clear signs of a social life. But I don't have the new episodes and I made the mistake of looking through my tumblr likes which are full of GG gifs so you can't really blame me.

anyway, this was one of the clips. (2:41 -best scene of the season)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf8N4ZnjG6M&feature=related
This, is my 5am sick face. In my defense I look better than I did this time last week when I was positively dead.

 Check out that collarbone, not even trying !

Sometimes, I'm a bit of a loser, but that's okay :)

The things you did not know

I have been blogging regularly for the past week.
It's mainly been about me complaining about being sick, claiming that I'm dying and other melodramatic shizz.
Oh? You can't see any of it? Well, that's because I was in my bed during those times and was either unable or too lazy to reach to my iPad on the floor below to type it all. Don't worry, you haven't missed out on much.

In other news, I REALLY WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL ! no, not because I'm eager for knowledge, but because I don't want to keep falling behind just as I found my feet.
It's like someone out there doesn't want me to succeed so they just keep giving me all these illnesses arararara.

But I will say that the other night was spent eating tacos and watching rosemary and thyme well into the night. I was very happy :)

au revoir. xo

Ps never give me honey. I just ate this mashed raspberry and honey thing and my head is still spinning from all the sugar. I. Do. Not. Enjoy. Honey.

So many people have problems. I don't know how to help you all.
I feel like I let you down when I can't help though, that makes me sad.

au revoir. xo

I really need you.

I need no Cupid, I have you.

Happy Anniversary to my amazing boyfriend, he is perfect to me. He fills my whole heart with warmth and is the only person who truly understands me and makes me leave my emoball sometimes. When I'm with him, I always forget my troubles, that's one of his talents you know. I don't know, it's just like, when we are together, the world is okay and I have all I really need. I think I would be rather content if we only had each other in life and interacted with no one else on a friendship level. And no friends, this does not mean I don't like you, it just means that I would be able to survive. However, if I had no kon (or in the near future even) then survival would be a terribly difficult thing that would be no fun at all. It's kind of strange and perhaps even melodramatic, but nowadays I live for kon, kind of. He gives me a reason to get up and enjoy the day, and yes... Whilst it is true that I would still get up and perhaps enjoy the day if I were single, nothing compares to the feeling of knowing he is all mine and I can just run up to him, kiss him and hug him for ages.
Like a friend once said (yesterday actually), "YOU AND KONRAD HAVE SOMETHING SO SPECIAL THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS, SO NEVER LET EACH OTHER GO", and it was quite amazing to hear that from another person. But seriously, when I think of the chances of us meeting, or even going out (before, I assumed my parents were anti-bf so I didn't figure this could happen), I think to myself that this is remarkable. Two kids who met at just 15, found true love so fast, I didn't even think this stuff existed, let alone I would know what it felt like.
I love you, my polish white-chocolate freckle (seriously, it's 2am, I'm delusional, and super sleepy, gimme a break.) <3 <3 <3
xoxoxoxoxo

This post is in no way about me, it's just a thought I had.

I think it's easier for people to fall in love when they're young. There's minimal baggage and things are just generally simpler. For example, I have a few friends who still love someone in the back of their hearts and I doubt that feeling for this person will go away, regardless of any relationships afterwards. If someone is your first love, there are no thoughts EVER about loving someone previously, because they just don't exist. There are no temptations to get back that other person. And then there's life, you still live at home, still go to school, you have no career yet so people are generally on the same pane.
This is a very late post, and I am delusional and it's missing half its points but you get the idea :)

au revoir. xo

Saturday Night Fever

This is the extent as to which I can open my eyes.

Look at those yummy bags !

That's what I look like if I want to read something ^

have fun looking at theeese !

au revoir. xo

It is 6:16pm and I have left my bed twice today, to eat and drink.
In my defense, I'm have a fever but still

au revoir. xo

Fevers are always fun when all you want to do is drink milk, eat cereal and make scrambled eggs. Shame, and toast doesn't sound very appealing at the moment either.
Oooh and add on a dumb monthly thing that does not come every month, rather when it is extremely inconvenient for me. -.-
And I reaaaally don't think I'll get this English essay done unless I can do it in 20 secons which is all I can focus for.
Fun lyf, say whaaat?

au revoir. xo

I'm in this constant struggle between feeling good and bad, freedom and restriction.
It's a cycle and I just want to smash it in half.

au revoir. xo

life's hard when there is a constant stream of yelling in the background.

I'm so fuckingggg over it !

On a sidenote: Can;t tell dad anything personal anymore as clearly he can't be trusted and will only send bland texts to mum as she analyses them and turns into a spastic. No joke, I wrote 'honestly woman...' in my text, what are you even talking about?

second sidenote: my mothers opinion does not concern me anymore.
she's fucking insane.

au revoir. xo

a small collection of immediate desires

what I want right in the upcoming week
- healthy food
- sleep
- konrad
- warmth
- hot beverages where I do not burn my tongue off (It's already in maintenance at the moment)
- a red/purple velvet dress
- coloured jeans
- emu shirt from T-Bar
- black milk leggings
- winter dress
- some concoction of soup
- chickeeeenn *omnomnom*
- black heels
- milk bath powder stuff from the body shop
- my parents to tell me they love me- I don't remember the last time they said it
- "TOM" to come so I stop freaking out when I remember
- simple interactions with people where they don't mind fuck me for once
- to actually call my best friend
- to SOMEHOW get all my homework done (to quality)
- to have a night of freedom where I can take a bath, relax and listen to music (I'm thinking tomorrow if it doesn't slip my mind)
- sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep !

that's all...


au revoir. xo

confusion beyond measure

you need to get out of my head.
you need to stop messing with my mind, telling me how I am and what I should do.
you need to stop swaying me in order to conform to your biased opinion.
you need to let me go.
let me be how I was before you decided to put yourself before me instead of being equal in this friendship.

Why? Because you are making me more confused than ever and you're hurting me with the thoughts of me hurting someone else with my potential behavior.
you are making me think emo thoughts, deeper than I thought before, making me actually realistically visualize them and shizz.

this isn't really any of your fault but it sure is making everything difficult for me !

aghh, I'm just so confused and lost about what I should be doing, and thinking and it makes my head hurts and makes me just want to sleep for days on end and it brings me great torment and nightmares and guilt, I guess.

au revoir. xo

seriously, to all you people who have this blog: it is beyond me as to why I gave it to you but I guess it stops me from writing what I truly want to and keeps me alive and my emo thoughts at bay in a way but it's vague for a reason. It's not meant to be a game, you're not supposed to try and guess who the posts are about, or from whose perspective or even what is going on. Because, I assure you, you have no idea and asking me only makes me less liable to tell you when I want to.
This is supposed to be a place where I can write down my thoughts, like a diary. And in a way you should be honored that you can read it even though it's nothing sepcial, so please don't abuse that power by questioning everything on here. These are my thoughts, not question provoking statements.

It's infatuation.

The monstrosity that my mother has created on my wall.

Please note that it is a dent as well.
And it is more noticeable than it looks.
And that I am obsessed with keeping this wall looking nice (as kon will know) and I legit cried when the lady smashed the vacuum cleaner into my baby.

au revoir. xo

yesterday, lol

Now is a perfect time not to believe superstition

Found a black spider this morning, and another in my bowl of cereal. Found like three the other day.

Someone is going to die, oh no, shit.

au revoir. xo

Death by guilt.

The guilt would consume you until you crumbled and lost everything that once meant something to you.
Then you would just spiral to your death through your depressive ways.
Either that, or you would be forgiven- but never trusted again, and you would have to live everyday in the shadows, never letting go and feeling happy, never feeling unconditional love.
I think your decision is already made for you, don't you?
But then there's that temptation that seeps into your mind and makes you question your outcome. And then deception forever begins, If Shakespeare has taught you anything, it's that temptation is a destructive force best left alone.
But it's still there, and it eats away at you endlessly until you find a way to stop it.
You need to find a way to stop it for it's NOT worth your happiness, you just need to keep telling yourself that and believe.

au revoir. xo

:)

"You made me feel special and loved and happy and kjhskjdksjds "

restdyughkjldrftyghulkjftyghjk.

au revoir. xo

white shadows.

Last night I found myself wishing I was you.
As I looking into your eyes I though about how much better it would be.
It was the first time I had done that in nearly one and a half years.
Now, I can't judge but you're just so carefree all the time and you're always in control and you're motivated, and persistent, and nice, and lovely, and loved by all, and hip, and friends with everyone, and you know what you want, and you don't put up with nonsense, and you act on instinct, and you are just great in general.
And I'm a little jelly of you. I can't decide whether or not I feel this way because you're so chill about it or because it's actually bad for you.
That's why I reacted like a spazz last night and just went with it, that's why I didn't put any thought into my response.
But that's also what made you so goddam attractive in that moment.
I just don't know how I feel and what reasons I have.

But hey, I love you and you'll forever me mine. :)

au revoir. xo

I'm sick of everything bipolar related.

go away.

au revoir. xo