Who am I now?

I thought I'd start writing again, I've been meaning to for a while now.
Reading over these posts is interesting to say the least.
I don't recognize these as my own thoughts however know I wrote them.

The ones I've read so far are normal and happy. Even though most of them are pretty boring, it's interesting to read all the resolutions.

I have been wanting to write for so long now, yet there seemed to be a barrier between my thoughts an the page. I even have a journal ready to go... but it didn't seem right.

Because sometimes my thoughts are faster, messier than my handwriting, so it only seemed appropriate to type.

I haven’t written here in a while.. I’m nervous/scared to go overseas. I feel like it’s a more erratic, spur-of-the-moment scenarios and fear it may end badly accidentally... like lost luggage or worse.

I miss you so much, it hurts SO much.
Please let this work out, please.

The funny thing is, no matter how upset I get and no matter just justified I am, eventually seretonin takes over and I can't stay mad. Which is problematic when it means I can be treated like shit over and over again.

au revoir. xo

New beginnings

Hope this job makes me as excited as Emporium did, exciting things ahead :))

After this summer jampacked with parties and drugs and gigs and friends and money and freedom I am feeling like a more positive person. I don’t even have to try as much not to get upset over little things like for example losing sleep and going to work early or fighting with people. If I am wrong, I apologise, if I am not I do not dwell for too long. In turn, this means that when I am sad I get quite emotional and sensitive for a bit but I feel better, happier with myself knowing I can pick flowers and drink tea and be productive.

That’s another thing that has recently changed. I now find myself cleaning my room more often than not and putting my dishes away and not leaving rubbish everywhere.

Small changes yet I feel somewhat different. Generally I resist change and may perhaps fear who I will become but in the mean time it's important to enjoy life and not think about these things which are so obviously not in my control. Of course there are still a few things I am wanting to be that I cannot at the moment for the simple fact that I cannot buy wardrobes of new clothes or have a certain body by ~wishing~ but I am sure I will deal with that later. For now, I am content.

I do worry about not pleasing others however, if I don't feel like doing something, generally I cannot force myself to. However this is frustrating for others and as silly as it sounds, I feel I do not have control over it. I feel like I let them down though and this makes me sad because I'm sure if it were someone else they were in this situation with rather than me, they would never be let down and this is just making me feel like less of a person.

This especially hurts when I love them but don't feel I'm enough.

au revoir. xo it's been a while

Changing tide

People around me are either moving out or wanting to. On one hand I'd love nothing more than to live with my lover and/or best friend and decorate the way I want, cook meals I like and be able to do anything I like in the comfort of my own home. On the other hand I want to remain naïve for a little longer, spend all my money on petty, yet fulfilling things like clothes, alcohol and drugs. I want to travel the world and explore its crevices with my lover, throw money left, right and centre without being financially burdened. Why would I choose to start paying for bills and groceries and necessities now and slowly struggle to save some money to go away (all the while studying) when I can experience life with my theoretical umbilical cord still connected then cut it when I'm ready?

A very nice prospect yes, but not quite a simple one. 

Looking forward to finishing my last exam for the year tomorrow and the adventure week that awaits! Still think I did barely any uni work this semester but oh well, it's been a long one!

Can't wait to get back to making wallets and shorts and tops and bracelets and such but will definitely have to source out some cool fabrics!

And excited at the prospect of working heaps to have lots of money to spend again :))

au revoir. xo

I'm so excited to move out!
Granted, it will probably be in a few years which is way too long in my head however it's just not viable to work so much while uni is on (which is the primary thing in my life..right...right..??)
Whether it be with a lover (yes, you) or a friend, I think it will be great fun and hopefully by then I will be relaxed enough in general to deal with issues that could arise. I just have this image in my head of where I want to live and what furniture I'll have and all the meals I will cook and music and smells and everythingg :))
I know, it's unlikely that things will pan out that way however if I want it enough, it is possible. Yes it might take me a bit longer because $$ but it. will. happen.

Yippeeee, I am so excited :))


au revoir. xo

Ps you were in my head for the entirety of this post

not going to sleep until I finish 10 biol lectures, slightly nerveracking as echo lecture recording is down and the lecturer adds in content, merp.

au revoir. xo

post uni/summer goals

• clean out my room so I can walk around without tripping
• do some kind of wine course so perhaps I will have an ounce of knowledge
• buy makeup/learn how to apply it nicely -and learn about eyeshadow ermagherd
• don't cut or dye hair!!!!!
• try to refrain from getting more piercings
• earn a shitton of money in december/january and consequently be zonked all the time
• be freeeee

au revoir. xo

associations//

watermelon=summer, summer=happy

eating watermelon makes me happy.


When I was younger, I used to have watermelon-eating races with my dad where the one who ate his faster would win. There was watermelon juice everywhere and our faces were sticky.

au revoir. xo

Today I started work at 7am again (sighhh) but because I was opening, I got to make the bagels we sell! Granted, I just put them together from the supplied ingredients but still... I've been wanting to do it for ages! And people bought food I made and it was just such a cool thing :))

Really going to miss him.
Such a quirky, kind, interesting individual that I was looking forward to learning from.
That's life though

He will still come around I guess, every few days at the start and then slowly less and less as things settle down and perhaps even stop one day...

I have fond memories of you. You're not dead and I'm not going to act like it and will make effort, especially after this semester, to see your pretty face.

au revoir. xo

Just completed my first assignment that was both begun and completed in the same day. 800 word psych lab report that only took me 7 hours, including 1.5 hours spent on referencing, citing and formatting..

hoping this won't happen again for a very long time!

au revoir. xo

I absolutely love work so much!!!! I feel so lucky to have found such a great job. I mean, I want to spend practically every day there!!! :))))) (this could get funny once uni starts and that's all I want to do but hopeeefully, even if for a little bit, I'll be organised enough to be able to study and work heaps)

au revoir. xo

P.S yaaaay :)))

I am watching the OC after cleaning my room and getting some boring stuff done and I feel happy :)

Recent adventures and so on

I have been meaning to write a semester recap for a while now so I guess this post will be that too.
But firstly, yesterday was quite a messy day. I just missed out on a job trial that was happening last night so instead of dwelling all day and being bored out of my mind (I must admit, there was a little bit of dwelling) I showered, printed off some resumes and made my way to the city to conquer rejection! Luckily, all the places I was intending to check out were hiring, yippee! I handed in my somewhat sad resume for a few hours -already scoring an interview/chat today and a job trial in a fancy pants cafe/restaurant next week. Meanwhile, I received a call from the place I missed out on in the morning and they asked me to come in for a trial.. in less than two hours! Keep in mind I was already in the city and needed to buy black clothing and more importantly didn't think to bring a lot of cash so I had to catch a train back to my area, get money and come back... all while only having consumed a small tub of lactose free yoghurt and a caramel latte (only because I thought I'd be home soon and/or get kebabs) quite a stressful time!
So I arrived at Asian beer cafe a little late because of the aforementioned events and so began my FIVE hour shift. It was mainly clearing tables with the occasional finger-burning pizza and trying to figure out that 'can I pay with carrot' means 'can I pay with cash' (logical now but I was derping at the time). I was very keen to impress and so I did although I did make a few little mistakes, and that's okay :)

I'm terms of uni, first semester was extremely messy and disorganised and I realized that I am never handwriting all my notes again considering I filled three and a half 140pg books... and one actually had to attend all the lectures to get the BARE minimum info which is hard in itself but overall I like it :) (this turned out a lot less interesting than I had anticipated)

au revoir. xo

Just completed my first uni assignment! It is submitting as I speak :)
Overall, the topics weren't too hard despite how much time I sat debating them and hopefully I have answered the questions appropriately although I am too sleepy to check now considering it is 3:34am (I don't have uni tomorrow and I planned to stay up late).
I spread out working on this over a week, if not a bit less and it works rather well. I cannot explain how stressed I would have been if I had to write the whole thing over night.
Hopefully I do well!

The only scary thing is how much I went over the word limit but if that is my biggest problem then good! It was a rather 'relaxed' task, with suggested word count but idk, 2,658 words when the approx suggested word count is 2,000 isn't that bad right? Yay, I am excited :))

au revoir. xo

edit: turnitin thinks I only have 2,451 words so technically I am even less over so it should be gewwwd

elp-h

So ridiculously stressed about everything that I just want to throw up and exercise manically but even that would waste time and stress me out.

Waste less time, act more, study, achieve, alter body positively, eat well, plan well, get back into a good headspace.

And don't fucking panic, suppress the panic so you don't fry your mind.

au revoir. xo

P.S why aren't panic, and and fry not part of my phone dictionary??