Nor do I care much for people, only a few select intellectuals interest me. Anyone who doesn't have an interesting way of thinking is temporarily someone that takes too much effort to talk to, call me shallow, idgaf.
And I can't be bothered with making people feel good or apologizing for things I shouldn't have to so they can just get over it, however I know that a few people would be better off with an apology even if I don't mean it so I'll give one in those cases.
Arghh I just hate everyone.
I just want it to be me and a few other people, and I want to sleep with kon for days and not worry about a thing but no, the world has to be all shit. And I mean, it's just everyone with all their problems and I'm one of them and I'm most definitely not complaining about that but I just want to help them all and sometimes I don't know how but I'm working on it. :)
And I am not in a bad mood, it's quite good actually.
But father is being dumb and he is so irritating, and he constantly flicks me on the head when I say something he doesn't like which is most of the time and I just feel like punching him in the face but I can't because we are usually in the car and I don't want to cry before school
And I'm sruggling to find a time when mum actually cares about my schooling which sucks because she could help me so much with study but last time I wanted her help it was just awkward in the end even though she just had to listen to me ramble but I just felt uneasy and detached which sucks because I want to love her and she is so important to me but it's just not working right now and there is little time and I'm so so scared I'll lose her at which point I'll hate myself eternally for being such a shit daughter, but you know, it's hard putting others in front of yourself all the time.
And as if there isn't enough drama in my head, my aunty feels the need to call and tell me things I don't care about and honestly, I know they're going to be okay so I don't need to spend "a few hours" just days before my SAC in a hospital with them because they won't even be in there that long and plus I'll just go more insane being with a psychotic person and she doesn't even care that the hospital is not close to us unless I take a bajillion buses but she just doesn't care so she can just hop her ass on a plane and come here to see her if she likes (but not stay at our house because we all know how that ended last time)
And I think I'm falling again but I don't know but I'm just so sick of people trying to take care of me because I repeat for the hundredth time that I just want to be normal.
and now I always unintentionally start arguments with kon, and we legitimately never argue and it just makes him feel like shit which I hate even more but I just don't know what I want from him. I mean do I want him to pretend to care even when I don't deserve it because I'm being selfish? I don't know.
I can't even say fuck it all anymore because I don't like that language and I can't retreat into my bed of sadness because too much needs to be done and I think I will end up ruining my birthday because it will just be so shit because no one really cares and kon will try to make it special but I'll just stuff it all up because I'm such a fuck up with him which he doesn't see, nor deserve and this will make him sad and I'll hate myself even more for that but I'm just really bad with people, okay? Which also sucks because I just want to have a lot of close friends who I actually care about but there is only a few people and I don't know where I am going with this but I have cried too much and now I'm tired so I'm going to sleep.
Soz for taking up so much of your time with this post.
au revoir. xo
But you know, everything is okay and prefect when I'm with konrad and that's really enough, and we smile and giggle and love :)
I love you I love you I love you.
"Everything I touch turns to stone
So wrap your arms around me, and leave me on my own"
^^Favourite thing ever, because of the words and more importantly, who said them.
