if you tick off five or more of the following symptoms, it's likely you're... well, you know

I don't believe these things as I can easily manipulate it however lol I am procrastinating.
Right, so clearly it could be due to a whole rangeeee of things, so this doesn't really mean much to me :)
oh and the ticks are a bit retarded

being restless and agitated ✔
waking up early, having difficulty sleeping, or sleeping more ✔
feeling tired and lacking energy; doing less and less ✔
using more tobacco, alcohol or other drugs than usual ✔
not eating properly and losing or putting on weight ✔
crying a lot ✔
difficulty remembering things ✔
physical aches and pains with no physical cause
feeling low-spirited for much of the time, every day 
being unusually irritable or impatient ✔
getting no pleasure out of life or what you usually enjoy
losing interest in your sex life
finding it hard to concentrate or make decisions ✔
blaming yourself and feeling unnecessarily guilty about things ✔
lacking self-confidence and self-esteem ✔?
being preoccupied with negative thoughts
feeling numb, empty and despairing ✔
feeling helpless
distancing yourself from others; not asking for support ✔✔✔
taking a bleak, pessimistic view of the future ✔?
experiencing a sense of unreality
self-harming (by cutting yourself, for example) ✔
thinking about suicide