Revelation

I feel kind of lame blogging now.. Not now as in this moment but I mean now as in general.
Eghh it's not like I say everything I want to say anyway so why say anything at all?
And then if I were to make this private and rant about anything and everything it would be even worse because I would just be going on and on about crapola and no one would know and I'd feel like a bad person being so melodramatic :p
*stop thinking lizzie*

Anyway, the point of this pointless post <-- see what I did there? Was to say that I made progress today. Not like I'm trying to do some kind of program or what-not just general progress.. (why all of these general thoughts all of a sudden??) instead of weaving my way around it and scheming with a friend I asked someone something. No, nothing important but just a pending question I had been wondering...well, about 5minutes before asking them.. TO THE POINT it was strange to just ask them what I wanted to know straight out and not play any games and it's funny because they don't even realize that I did this because I'm so sneaky but yeaah..

On another note, the reason I usually ask people things in a very indirect way is because one of my biggest fears is judgement. That's right, while I effortlessly judge others around me (sorry kon this is aimed towards you -but it really does look nice :) ) I am indeed afraid of being judged.
*fade into a childhood memory
When I was in primary school I had like no friends, sure I had the few who I would hang with at school until about fifth grade when even most of them left ms but never would anyone dare to invite me somewhere out of school. I don't mean to the movies or something because come on we were like 8... No, I mean to a birthday party or a sleepover or even a little pool get together or what-not. Yes yes it sounds silly when I say it now and I didn't really realize until later on but this in fat is true. I remember even at school one time in grade five some 'cool' girls were playing jump rope (they were in my class so we were all 'friends') and they didn't let me play, they didn't even let me sit near them and watch... *cue tears* So, imagine this. A little 8 year old girl sitting in the near distance watching everyone else play jump rope.
Now now that was just my little moment of reminiscing and of course there were plenty of other times I played games with my fellow peeps such as four square and this random fairy thing where we pretended the tree was magical and we made concoctions in it's crevices.
The point is that I was been judged through the years as has everyone else which has turned into this little judgement fear.

So I totally wrote more cool stuff but i clicked on an 'undo' button I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD which decided to delete a heap of writing which I cannot re-write due to my unfortunate gold fish memory.

But I do remember this part: I feel like mentioning Kon. Nothing particularly significant happened today but I just wanted to say that I love him and scream it to the world, just like that. Why? Because I can. :) oh, and he makes me smile even when he just pops into my mind which let's face it, happens quite often.

And right now there is a text from him on my phone which I shall open and respond to after this post as I do not wish to come across as an eager beaver who replies after about 1.2574 seconds like I normally do.

au revoir. xo